The 5th of July

I keep telling myself I’m going to write a blog post when I think of something that I should share and then when I have a moment to write about it in a way that would do it justice. I don’t know when I decided my blog posts needed to be some literary work or something. I mean, my last post was about a cats scream yawning youtube video… why do I think that I need to change my posting/writing style? I think that my 1-2 readers would be really disappointed if I started talking about some deep BS anyway. 

So this is good news, because it takes the pressure off of me and I can just post anything I want. I’ve been brainstorming things to write about: awkward encounters (I’ve had plenty since my last post… just have to choose one), funny websites, summer time, random adventures, relationships (totally not sharing that info on the interwebs… a girl’s gotta have some secrets!), or the awesome recipes I’ve tried on Pinterest lately. 

Nothing really seems to be jumping out at me though. This is probably because it is the 5^th of July. Yes, that means the 4^th of July was yesterday. On a Wednesday. Today is Thursday and everyone has to work. We are all being abruptly knocked out of our holiday coma and back to the real world a little faster than appreciated. The worst part about it is that about half of the world decided to take today off. So all of us that are working are stuck waiting for everyone else to get back before we hear responses on any of our projects. I understand that we can’t really move the 4^th of July, but there has to be some way that we can flex days off so we can all have the 5^th of July off too. I think this is really what Congress should be focusing on. I think they should pass some sort of bill reinforcing the July 4^th government holiday, but following up with a caveat that if the 4^th is to fall in the middle of the week, the 5^th will also be considered a national holiday. I think that is something both parties can agree on. I don’t even think this has to be a federal thing. Could Colorado make some sort of law or something? After thinking about this, I did look up quite a few other things that the Colorado government thought was important like “One may not mutilate a rock in a state park” or “throwing missiles at cars is illegal”. Seriously, there’s a list of ridiculous things here. If lawmakers have enough time to work on those laws, I think that it would be great to have the 5^th of July off of work. I have obviously provided quite a solid case. Boom. Lawyered.

Listening to Rusko.

The Baptist Holiday Party

Originally when I started this blog, I was going to talk more about the awkward encounters I have. As you may have read from earlier posts, my interactions with people can be extremely awkward. I really have no idea how I attract these situations, but all I can do is laugh in disbelief.

As the holiday season approaches, one of my most  awkward encounters that I haven’t shared comes to my mind. I didn’t share this encounter earlier because I knew that people would be able to determine the party involved and there may be some embarrassment. I think that the situation is far enough removed, so I feel comfortable divulging this story now. Believe me, it’s a good one. You’ll want to read on. I’m not sure if I could even make this up… so awkward. Well, I don’t want to build it up so you are expecting something amazing, so nevermind. It’s not awkward at all. It’s completely comfortable and a normal situation that happens to everyone. Read on anyway…

I was offered a job at a university in Houston fresh out of grad school, so I headed out to Texas without doing any sort of research on the place. I didn’t know anyone there, but I’m used to that sort of thing. I actually like it. You will probably see a trend that I can’t stay somewhere for more than about 3 years before I feel pretty antsy and need to find a new place. I hear what you are saying as you are reading this, but commitment issues, schmemmitment issues. It is what it is.

For those of you that don’t move to new places without really knowing people, you should know that it’s not always easy to make friends. Sure, you are going to point out that you made a gazillion friends when you went off to college and you didn’t know anyone there. Well Mr. Friendly, don’t be so proud of that, everyone did. Way to go. Once you don’t have the connection of college, it is more challenging to meet people as a young professional in a new city. Just take that as a universal truth. There are things you can do to meet people… join alumni clubs, get to know your coworkers, participate in city sports leagues, etc. It just takes a little more getting out there. As a new person in a city where you don’t know anyone, there’s one rule that you have to live by: If someone invites you to do something, you do it. You have no friends, so there is no reason you should turn down someone when they are trying to be your friend.  This rule is something that I have lived by for quite some time. It is why I have found some of my best friends, but it also may be what creates my awkward encounters. Which leads me to my story…

When I started working in Houston, my job was to plan events. Many of these events require technical assistance. The manager of the AV department (we will now call him AV Guy) was someone that I had to work with on a pretty regular basis. He was a nice guy. He was always helpful and friendly. About a month in to working in Houston, he asked me out. Well, as I mentioned before, the one rule that I live by is that you don’t say no when you move to a new place, know no one, and someone offers to be your friend. Sure, I knew that he may have been interested in me a little more than just as friends, but I couldn’t completely tell, and that’s something that can always be clarified later, right? So I said yes, I’d go out with him. We went to dinner and had a nice time. After dinner, we went to a local coffee shop to continue our conversation. Then the date ended. That was also the time that I was certain that I would never want to go out with him again. AV Guy was nice, but there wasn’t anything there. I could tell on the date he was interested in dating me and I didn’t want to lead him on, so the next time he asked me out, I told him I wasn’t interested. We grabbed lunch about once a month after that, but that was about it. Innocent enough, right? We had to work together, so I didn’t want to be mean, and as I said, he was a nice guy. Just no interest. At this point in the story, you are probably thinking “wow, this story is not awkward at all”. You’re right, it’s not. The awkward part comes next.

In mid-December (about 3.5 months after the original date), AV Guy contacts me and asks if I want to join him and some friends for dinner and an improve comedy show. By this time, I have decided that he gets that we are not going to be in any sort of relationship and that we are just friends. He said it was a group of friends (8-10 people) and it should be a good time. I didn’t have anything going on that day (I mean, I was still new in town and didn’t know a ton of people… PLUS maybe he had some fun friends that I would want to hang out with later, right?). So I agree to go. I didn’t know my way around Houston very well still, so I met AV Guy at a Starbucks, then he drove us to the restaurant from there. The traffic was super bad and we were running really late. He was kinda freaking out about it and was on the phone with some guy letting him know we were coming and that we would be there soon.

We finally get to the restaurant after a tense car ride and I am ready to get to my seat and drink a nice cold drink (I’m practicing my order in my head: margarita, on the rocks, with salt). We walk up to the hostess and AV Guy tells her we are meeting with a group. She asks for the name with the group and he says Houston Baptist Church (ok, so I’m making up the name of the church, but he named a Baptist church). This is CLEARLY a surprise to me. It also crushes my dreams of drinking a margarita. She points us to the back party room. Yes, the private room in the back of the restaurant. I look at AV guy to see if he is going to provide some sort of explanation for this, but he just points to the back room. Dear God, what am I getting in to? We walk in to the back party room. The room is decorated for Christmas, the tables are arranged in a U shape and filled with people varying in age from 25-65. I am sure there are more details about the room, but they all faded in the background compared to all the eyes staring at us as we walked in.

They greeted AV Guy with great excitement and seemed to eye me up and down for about a minute. Because we arrived so late, they are already eating. All I want to do is melt in to the floor so I didn’t have to have all these eyes staring at me. There are two available seats at the U shaped table arrangement, but they are not next to each other. I have no problem with that because all I wanted to do was sit down so people stop staring at me and it didn’t matter where that would happen. I started heading to a seat on the other side of the room when AV Guy said that wouldn’t work. Rather than asking everyone to shift around, it sounded like a better idea to him to grab a table from outside the party room. He caused a huge commotion trying to fit it through the doorway, which clearly did not stop people from staring. Whatever. At least I got to sit down. We ordered and ate. I tried to ask what was going on and all AV Guy said was that these were all his friends from church. At that point in time I noticed the glittery holiday decorations and gifts on all the tables. All I’m thinking is that I still have to go to an improve show after this fiasco. Is there a way that I can get out of this situation gracefully? I could fake sick, but AV Guy drove. Could I call a cab? Could I injure myself badly enough that an ambulance needs to come and get me?

As these ideas are flying through my head, a man in the group stands up and starts talking to the group. He introduces himself and says that he is so happy that all the Houston Baptist Church AV family could get together to celebrate the holidays. I have now figured out that this group is comprised of all the people that do the AV for the Houston Baptist Church and their partners. Ok, so AV Guy felt like he needed someone to come with him to this, I get it. It would have been nice for him to tell me this ahead of time. The speaker continues talking about how great it is for all of them to be together and how they all work so hard. He then mentions that he wants to go around the room with introductions. Really? Well here goes. Luckily, they start on the other side of the room, so I can see how this is going. I considered slipping out to the restroom, but the door was on the other side of the room and that commotion would have drawn too much attention.

Introductions start with old man Bob. He introduces himself (everyone already seems to know him) and then he introduces, as he says, “his arm candy” aka his wife, Shirley. Next comes middle aged John and he introduces his wife Tiffany (and the baby in her belly). This continues around the table. I am completely relieved. I will not have to talk in front of all of these people. AV Guy will introduce me. Whew! I’m slightly nervous that he is going to introduce me as something other than his friend or his coworker, but if that’s the worst, then I can deal with that later. So it’s AV Guy’s turn to introduce. He stands up and says “I’m AV Guy” then sits down and looks at me. WHAT?!? Everyone looks at me as if I must have just strolled in to this party after AV Guy and he doesn’t know me at all. So I stand up and introduce myself, then look over at AV Guy and say “I work with him”. I didn’t even want to say that we were friends by that time. I was sure that we weren’t going to be friends after this situation. Announcer guy goes on to say that as a thank you for all the AV staff’s hard work throughout the year, or for those of us that supported an AV worker, we should open the gifts on the table. Since we had an extra table, there weren’t gifts on our table. They brought a gift over to AV Guy and he was gracious and offered it to me first. I told him that it’s his thing and he should have it. The announcer also mentioned that there were target gift cards on the table as a thank you as well. I didn’t think it was appropriate for me to take any, so I left them there for others, politely excused myself and went to the restroom. In the restroom, I ran in to “arm candy” Shirley. She was polite and reintroduced herself. She told me that she was so happy to finally meet AV Guy’s girlfriend. Um, excuse me? Finally meet his girlfriend? Oh, well AV Guy has been talking about you for the past couple months and you haven’t been able to come to any of the church activities because you are so busy with work, so they are all so happy to finally meet the girl he’s been seeing. Oh, right. That makes perfect sense. Great to meet you too Shirley. I go back in to the party room and grab a Target gift card from the table. I have earned it.

At this point, I’m completely dumbfounded. I ask AV Guy about that conversation and he just says that Shirley is a crazy old lady. Really? How crazy can she be? I mean, did she really make all that up? Don’t forget, I still have to go to this improve comedy show. It feels like a never ending night. At least I don’t have to talk with people during the show and people won’t be staring at me. On the walk over to the improve theater, 3 couples walked up to us, introduced themselves, and mentioned how excited they were to FINALLY meet me. Yes, they all said, “finally” meet me. We head in to the theater and sit down. Thank goodness nothing happens during the show. During intermission, I head to the restroom again (I need a freaking break from this situation). I run in to preggo Tiffany and she asks me if AV Guy gave me the invitation to her baby shower yet. Well no, he hasn’t. She lets me know the date and time in case he lost the invitation over the past week or two. Yes, AV Guy has carried on this lie to the extent that people are inviting me to their baby showers. At this point, I have made the decision that I no longer need to be polite or liked by these people. I let her know that I’ll check my schedule then head straight for the bar. I get a beer and head back to my seat. The Baptists don’t seem too thrilled about my drink of choice, but by this time, I don’t care at all. All I want to do is get out of there as fast as possible. We watch the rest of the show and I praise the lord that the night is coming to an end. But wait, we need a group picture first! Of course we do. I do my best to inch out of the theater to avoid it, but damn Shirley notices and grabs me. I then mention that I’m good at taking pictures and that I should be the one to take the picture. That also didn’t fly. So now if you go to the Houston Baptist Church and look through their AV photo album, you will see me in their holiday picture smiling and holding a beer.  

On the ride home, I didn’t say I word. We got to my car and I said goodnight. I think AV guy knew that we weren’t ever going to talk again. 

Listening to Salt-N-Pepa (don't judge, it's awesome).

Everyone is Awkward

An old boss once told me that he loved hearing stories about my awkward encounters. He found them completely hilarious and couldn’t wait for the next installment. After about 6 months, he mentioned to me that if I was always a part of these awkward encounters, maybe it’s not everyone else, maybe it’s me. If I’m the common denominator in all the stories, wouldn’t it make sense that I’m the awkward one in the situation? As much as I hate to admit it, he makes a very good point.

I am a self-proclaimed awkward individual. I know it and I own it pretty well. I think it’s my charming combination of unfiltered commentary combined with poor coordination. I’m pretty aware of my awkwardness, so I like to do what I can to make sure others don’t have to experience it to any huge extreme. Which leads me to the question: am I the only one that does that? 

I wouldn’t have thought twice about this question until this past week. Maybe Halloween brings out everyone’s awkward side, but I don’t think that’s it. I think that everyone is completely and totally awkward but only certain individuals know how to fall within societal norms and “pass” as normal. 

I feel like there are different extremes of awkward. I get embarrassed when I see people do things that are uncomfortable in public. For example, my office hosted a Halloween Costume Contest this week. Of course the only people that entered were these students that were extremely dressed up in costumes of characters that I’m sure only 1% of people on earth have heard of. In addition to dressing over the top, they also felt that it was acceptable to act like their characters in front of hundreds of people. What?! All I could do was stand there and force a smile (even though I was cringing with embarrassment on the inside). That may be the extreme of awkward and uncomfortable. I think the part that is scary is that they are college students. If they were in high school, we could convince ourselves that they can grow out of it. 

I don’t think being awkward has to be to that extreme. My friend’s FB status last weekend said the following: “OMG. So excited to hang out with my boyfriend today. We’re going to carve pumpkins, go hot tubbin’, and eat frozen yogurt!”. Let’s get past the fact that I’m calling this person my friend and move straight to what she is saying. First off, don’t ever use OMG. It just reminds me that you should still be in high school or that you read too many gossip magazines. Second, everyone knows that you have a boyfriend. You’ve mentioned it in every other post since you’ve been “facebook official”. Move on. I’m pretty sure your boyfriend is embarrassed by you. But the main awkward part of this post to me is the combination of activities that will be taking place. I understand that you are trying to explain how your whole day is going to pan out, but when you state it like you did in your post, I’m picturing you and your boyfriend sitting in the hot tub while carving pumpkins and eating frozen yogurt. Not only am I completely disgusted by this imagery, I also question what you consider a good time. Are pumpkin seeds falling in to the hot tub? Is your fro-yo melting? Don’t bring me in to those so-called intimate moments of your life. It makes me feel completely uncomfortable. 

My friend has provided me with a scale to better understand awkwardness. This only came about after I created a slightly awkward situation, but still, I appreciate his perspective. I told him that I needed to ask him a question that he might find uncomfortable, so I wanted to apologize in advance if it made him uncomfortable (see, that’s me being self-away… the exact opposite of the Halloween Costumed Crazies and the Creepy Hot Tub Couple). After asking the question, he said “on the continuum of awkward questions, that is much closer to "what is your name?" on the left than "what do you think about when you urinate?" on the right”. I’ll tell you right now, I took that as a compliment. I’ll also tell you that the fact that he has created this continuum proves my point that everyone is awkward.

Listening to Florence & The Machine.